


Lost Then Found, Darkness Then Light

by Unicornsfartglitter



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: First Person, Fluff, M/M, cursing, finding yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 11:31:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14893820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unicornsfartglitter/pseuds/Unicornsfartglitter
Summary: Daryl and Negan felt many ways growing up but when they find one another the cycle becomes complete.





	1. Lost Then I am found

**Author's Note:**

> So much crap to write posted and non posted and yet I post another fic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl’s POV.

I was scared when my pa started to beat me.

Broken when ma burned herself up in a fire.

Resigned when Merle left me knowing the hands he left me in.

My life meant nothing working odd jobs following after Merle when he was out of prison.

Things changed when walkers rose. Instead of a a stupid hick I was someone people looked up, the one to save them from monsters and keep them healthy as I found them food and medicine. I didn’t like the title hero but I did like feeling like I meant something.

After so many died including Beth who stung me the most I realized nothing really mattered and I shut myself off. I was dead though breathing.

Alexandria made me pointless, the stupid one scowling in the back. My crossbow wasn’t a part of my persona but an nameless entity I refused to put down. It was time to run away like usual but I stayed only for Rick and Carol.

Weak is how you made me feel when you locked me up and fed me dog food. Being naked and alone didn't hurt but the picture of Glenn was what damaged me the most. Rock bottom came then because wasted space was what I was.

Resourceful is what I became when I fought back against you. I came to the front line and spoke my peace, seeked my revenge. Like I told Merle I was nobody’s bitch and I proved it.

Proud is what I saw in your eyes. I was whole again, Beth’s death couldn’t break me because with your war I emerged on the other side to find myself again. Being prideful wasn’t something my pa taunt me to be or something I could be but still I saw it every time you looked my way.

Change is what I call years of me shaping into a stronger self. I will never be happy with who I am or what I see in the mirror but watching Judith grow up safe and my family spread out to other communities and thrive, be happy I call it a good change.

After years of striving to survive the outside population decreased more, less people are found on the road and with that comes peace. No bad guys, we don’t forget, never lose our fighting edge but gardens and livestock along with windmills and a water tower our community grows and you live in it protecting us all.

Lost is what I was from the minute I was born and as you seek me out and let me know your intentions I feel it again. Not in the desperate sad way I grew up but in how I can’t let you get close because I don’t know how to allow it.

Giving in isn’t what I call it when I kiss you. Hands rub over my scars and sooth away my pain, you tell me I mean something and over time I see that I’m so much more than I ever perceived myself to be. Helping others is honorable, being gay is okay, and being shy is just me being me. With you I don’t need to change, I’m perfect as is.

Found is what I am with you. Every step and choice we make is as a team, each night staring at you from my pillow I see there’s no other way I need to be.


	2. Darkness Before Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan’s POV.

I was confused when my mother left me alone with my dad who never wanted to speak.

Angry when I started school and everyone picked on my name.

Hostile when I grew older and realized my dad was the town drunk.

I was grateful in Middle School when I understood some kids were abused at home but my dad just neglected me..

Growing into my looks I became confident because I was one fucking good looking teen.

I lost my virginity at fifteen to girl who wore too much makeup, her blue eyeshadow disappeared under wide eyes and I fucked her to oblivion and found I loved it.

Confident became me at sixteen when I came out as gay, different boys and girls mine every day of the week.

Educated was me in college, learning the world was bigger than just me. I chased a lot of meaningless tail as I found politics and how to debate louder than anyone else. Don’t ask me why I chose to be a gym coach.

Whipped. Lucille made me that with her glowing hair and easy acceptance of my cocky mouth. She could see the insecurity beneath my layer of skin and calmed me when no one else could.

Capable of loving I became when I asked her to marry me. Our wedding day cost too much but her white dress was an image I could never forget. I promised to put her before all others on that day.

Shit. That’s what I am when I cheated on her the first time. Came home from “working” my part time job and she rolled over to greet me too late at night, she told me she loved me as she kissed my lips and my heart sank to my knees when I answered her back. Still it didn’t keep me from cheating.

Wrong. I was just wrong to treat Lucille the way I did and she smiled at me from a hospital bed, her weak wrists hardly able to squeeze my hand. I told her how bad a man I really was and she forgave me, her eyes still twinkling and incapable of hating me after all I did to her.

Alone was what I was when she died, the walkers rising but I was unable to give her a final death. 

I met so many on the road, good and bad but I was always alone after Lucille. The nagging guilt of not giving her a final death, the nightmares of her roaming an hospital wing with dull skin and rotting organs. I would never feel good again.

Ruthless was me. I became a leader and killed people with a weapon I named after someone too good for me. I became the leader, the one people leaned on and no matter how foul my muth was or how cruel I became I saved lives and was admired for that.

I became a King on a throne even if I fought on the battleground, No one I killed made me feel guilt because life as we knew it was over, I wouldn’t live forever so I would save as many as I could when possible even if they were bad people themselves.

I’m awful, a slow flame ignited that I was a bad person when I killed a korean and his pregnant wife cried out. “I'll find you.” He spoke through the most tumultuous pain a man could have. They looked at each other with love, I knew this man couldn’t confess on his deathbed that he cheated on her. They were a real couple unlike me and Lucille. I killed him and for once it didn't’ feel good.

Heartless was me as I threw Daryl in a cell. By his scared eyes and crying through thick walls I could see he was abused before but I showed him a photo of what he caused to happen, it was all on me but I still felt a bit thrilled at seeing his distress but something underneath in Lucille's voice chastised me for my cruelty.

Denial came ebbing through as I pushed a strong group that I could see were more family than my merry band of Saviors. They had been through such deep shit and I kept taking and pushing but you never saw them lash out at each other, question Rick’s motives when he complied like a faithful puppy.

Irritated was what I felt next when they fought back, no matter how many lives they lost they marched on. Rick vowed to kill me so many times and I thought he would succeed, wanted him to so I could see Lucille again because what I had done to them was too much, I couldn’t break their spirit and for once I knew I had done so much wrong.

I deserved this, I really did to be locked in a cell. Instead of being abused and reeking in my own stink I got showers and exercise time. I got good food and treated right, I could pull my bed over to a small window and see a garden growing and people laughing and I was a example to show them they were so much better than most people in this world.

Pride is what I feel when I look at Daryl. He’s grown into who he was meant to be. I would check him out with no shame when he came to me on Rick’s days off. There was uncertainty and denial in his eyes when my gaze lingered but I could see he was a happier person now, more intact then he was the first time I met him before I even tried to damage him.

Rick let me out of my cell to help them fight. Baffled was what I felt when they gave me a gun in trust but I wouldn’t let them down. I would destroy this threat because I saw what Alexandrian was now, a beacon of hope.

Guilt was what found me, exposing all my discrecians, I was an evil person that somehow still relished the world and even as I tried to make peace I couldn’t because I had done too much bad. It claimed me making that fire engulf my heart in pain because I had done too much and there was no one I could beg to forgive me this time, no one who cared.

Darkness. I was in a cave of blackness where I couldn't find any light. I saw people judge me knowing I had killed so many, some looked at me with gratitude because I had changed my ways or saved them myself but it wasn’t enough. I was a terrible human being and even if I never did a cruel thing again it couldn't wash away my sins.

I felt a starking contrast standing next to Daryl who would work his ass off for three days for a small deer and gave to his community so freely. He sacrificed blood and sweat to bring children toys and his smile became brighter with each good deed he did.

I kept expecting it, a new enemy though there were less people now. I guarded the gates of my new home and helped the citizens train in case we had to go to war again. I stood with you in front of a group of unskilled strangers that were becoming my friends and saw what you really were and that was amazing.

I wanted you though I didn't deserve you but I couldn’t resist. Raking my eyes up your body. Touching your frightened shy body. You let me though I knew it caused you conflicted grief. The scars that littered you body I knew mostly came from before walkers and found myself not sleeping over your past instead of my own.

I wouldn’t push you too far, you may never come to me like I envisioned but being next to you was enough. Our wasted nights passing time together I observed your transformation into this strong man and it comforted me, I could see my flirting and compliments were heard because you puffed out your chest, gained a small strut you didn’t realize you were doing. ‘I did that’ I thought with no ego but a happiness that you were better off than ever before. If this was all I ever got then fine, I would never cheat again.

You turned to me mid sentence on a conversation about attempting to make brandy, it was a mundane conversation like many we had but I would always remember it because you grabbed my cheeks and kissed me. It was soft and reserved but it was perfect, your lips on mine was an oasis of peace.

Your scars are beauty, the forgiveness for all I’ve done accepted, I don’t see the horrible person I am when you let me touch you and you touch back. You tell me I’m sexy on occasion and coming from you I really feel it. I can never take back my past but with you I don’t feel I have to because you still take me as I am. Together maybe we are more than who we are apart.

Lightness is what I feel when you look my way, let me hold you close at night. I am whole as long as you let me see you as you are in every way. This is the only life I get, the walkers will never leave but now I am good if only thanks to you.


End file.
